The Ideal Life

the ideal life today must consist of having a good childhood, followed by good times and some experimentation in high school, graduation, then college/university, meet the love of your life, date for 2 years, have the perfect wedding (by 25), get a dog, then start having babies about 2 years in (before 30), have at least one girl and one boy, become a soccer mom of kids with honors, go back to work (at 30) when they start full time school, kids move out at 18, have their babies in their 20's, you retire in your 60's, travel and die with your husband, whom you've been with for at least 30 years.

What I thought as a teen girl: Get married by 25. Have all babies (2 or 3) by 30. have a good job doing who knows what.

Ok knocked up at 16....change of plans. Still marry by 25. Have another child before son turns 10. Still get a career and be satisfied/

Reality at 27: I must be abnormal. I started off right with the good, well great childhood. Minus the permanent friends. then for whatever reason, i got pregnant at 16. Ok. New hand. Mature fast, enjoy baby, make mistakes, escape fear, realize i need to live out my missed high school years, make more mistakes, but learn to live. Work for a few years. date. Go to college. thought I met the one. Graduate with high GPA. Start work. Work work work, hate working. Become better mom. Wonder if I can ever live with someone of the opposite sex. Make mistakes. End what was the one. go on own again. Doubt I'll ever marry tho the idea is as appealing as it is scary. still only have one child, would like to have more by 30 but hmmm not sure if that'll happen. ok life is not the ideal. I'd rather be different. But at the same time, I envy what looks like the perfect life tho I can never sustain nor be satisfied with that lifestyle. Oh, baby is now 10, and still no siblings. or any cousins. so far from the ideal. I guess this is it. My new ideal.

next up: Ok, get married (or not) by 30. Have another child by 32. Pursue career in medicine. Have husband who is willing to support dream and children. Guess I'll have 2 only children. Thats ok. Maybe another set...a girl and boy! One can dream! life can be what you want it to.

Just a quick note regarding the last one

I was tired. Burned out. exhausted. slightly depressed and lonely at the time I wrote that. I had been awake for nearly 19 hrs at that point. I hope it didn't offend anyone who were unable to offer nor had any idea of what was going on. I had too much pride to ask for help. I figured I could do it all myself and am now admitting that sometimes I can't. Thank you for understanding and for your amazing friendships on a day to day basis.

Where was everyone?

Where are my friends? I know I got them. I know most of them are verbally supporting me with the whole Blake in the hospital situation and are concerned and wanting to know how he is. But I am offically feeling so alone. I should have asked for help. Last time, when he was admitted on an urgent basis, I had so many offers to buy me groceries, clean my house, to visit him, ect. But I had my wonderful mom staying with me and taking care of things, so I politely declined.

This time, nothing. Nobody has gone to see him. Well one person, once. and that person in my opinion should have gone many more times. Nobody called him at the hospital (expect my mom when I had to capitalize a email telling her to do so). I am sad. Borderline depressed. Because I am now burning out. Nobody offered to help. Sorry for this. I am just reflecting my latest inner feelings on this topic. And its probably my fault for not telling many people and for thinking I can work full time and deal with this situation by driving to the hospital every nite. Instead I was getting home late, eating fast food, and trying to get sleep (I am living on little sleep rite now). I havn't washed my hair in a few days. the garbage is full, the sink was full of dirty dishes, and I've been living off cereal at home, ect ect.

I could go on. But I won't. I am dead to the world. dead tired and am going to sleep all weekend once I get to my mom's house.

Those Girls

So yea. I went to my first Bachlorette party. Thought it would be totally fun! Never been to one before. The theme was pirates. Got all dressed up in my piligin gear and invited 2 first mates (or rather a first mate and a hired hand lol). arrive to the party. Hmmm. I know the bride. Her sis. An old party friend and the mother of the bride. The other girls not so much. And low and behold they look at me like I am gonna bite their necks and drain them or something (more on this later). Oh and I brought friends. Friends who have met and partied with the bride in the past. and the invite asked if I was bringing any. I said yes!. No comments. ok. so they look at them and basically made them feel very unwelcome. One girl was being nice. (thanks girl). THe others wouldn't even give me a moment of time. Its like I was judged instantly and poorly. Not even a how are you? Who are you? How do you know the bride? What do you do? What do you like? yup nothing. so much for trying to keep and make friends. shit.

I was hurt! I am tired of girls like that! You know, if you just talked to me, you'd realize I was nice and shy and fun. Not some creepy dark girl. I feel like the girl being shunned by the popular "pretty" snobby girls. Bitches. they look and act like it. (sorry bride if you are reading this). I WAS HURT!!!! I just wanted to have some fun. They did let me dance with or near them, but didn't acknowledge me. So i drank a bit instead. and some guy kept yapping at me and bought me drinks so that at least occupied my last few minutes at the bar. See, my other friends couldn't get into the bar and therefore left. I think I should have gone too but out of respect for the bride, i stayed.

Funny story: He asked if I was a vampire. Thought I was weird but cool. Stood out cause I wasn't like the other girls in the bar. Real? well i figured the other girls seemed pretty fake. Whatever. I'll take free drinks.

Needless to say. Someone thought it strange that I'd get invited to the bachlorette party but not the wedding. I thought about it and found that odd too. That makes me sad.

And its ok to feel hurt. I wish people would stop being so superficial.