of coming up for air...one molecule at a time

Slowly emerging from this deep depth. cause that's pretty much what it is.
Looking for a place where we can laugh a little. Play a little. Love some more.
steps forward rather than running back
no, not steps, make it skip or dance ahead. Sing! Sing a Song!

You know, i went and saw the Trans-siberian Orchestra last night with my son, my mom, my sis, my bro and my dad. The laser show was amazing, the fire! the music! the gorgerous guitar player with the long blonde hair (hehe Brad Pitt 1 we called him, which was better suited than his real name..er Angus? yuck), the Fireworks to conclude.....yea defintately paid too little for a show that big esp at 3 hrs long!

Anyway, my mom was smiling. was lusting. was laughing, was singing. and I LOVED seeing her like this! Now to help my dad. He's in a bit of a bi-polar predictiment and although he was enjoying the show, it was a forced smile that emerged. so sad it made me. hopefully he gets what he is needing and becomes his good ol self again. and on that note, hopefully mom keeps up the smiling!!

Blake and I gave a old homeless guy a bag of chips. Told him it was a snack for later. better than change for booze I say. The thing was...he smiled the most genuine thank-ful smile and it warmed me. I hope Blake remembers that smile.

Blood and Tears

When did I lose major amibition? The ability to smile lots? I can't really remember the last time I laughed til I cried...
this is pathetic! I am supposed to be the optimistic and opportunistic one and here I am being simply paranoid and easily upsetted.
One step from joining the prozac nation. But I won't take that step cause tomorrow is another day closer to my freedom from being a glum. Hey turns out I am still optimistic!

step one: pursue your happiness
step two: don't give up
step three: get accepted into the happiness while accepting and loving yourself
step four: leave all that is negative behind
step five: and never look back

Sunshine and lollipops! Rainbows that never stop! Ok thats just crazy.

Must Have Halloween Soundtrack

10. It's Almost Halloween: Panic at the Disco- Singing about trick or treating...the first aspect of halloween we get to know as children. CANDY. Then well everything costumes, graveyards, partying as we get older. The song makes me want to break out into dance.

9. The Time Warp: Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let's do the time warp again!!! It's just a jump to the left...Not sure exactly what this has to do with Halloween, but it happens during a strange and very creepy point in the movie. Just before we meet Dr. Frank-N-Furter (The transvestite).

8.Halloween: Dead Kennedy's- Better plan all week Better plan all month Better plan all year!! Time to let loose!

7. Feed My Frankenstien- Alice Cooper Ok so frankenstien is a litte more than a monster...sexually...but this song just kicks it. Think back to Wayne's World. See also, Welcome to My Nightmare, I Love The Dead, Cold Ethyl, Can't Sleep-The Clowns Will Eat Me, and more....

6. Living Dead Girl: Rob Zombie- Zombie is awesome. I mean how to pick a good halloween song by him when you got this, and Dragula, and I'm Your Boogeyman, House of a 1000 Corpses,and SuperBeast, the list goes on. He made great horror movies like House of a 1000 Corpses, Devil's Rejects, Halloween Remake (totally pyschologically scary movie), Halloween 2 and The Haunted World of El Superbeasto. As well as the faux film trailer for the Werewolf Women of the SS. He is everything HALLOWEEN!

5. This is Halloween- Nightmare Before Christmas- One of my all time favorite movies...the opening song gives you a glimpse into Tim Burton and his dark word that is Halloweenish.

4. Braineaters- Misfits- Simple song about simple zombies who eat brains for dinner, for lunch, for breakfast, for brunch....all they want are some rotton guts. Even only once and a while?

3. Vampires Will Never Hurt You- My Chemical Romance: I swear they won't! Just stake them

2. Black Sabbath- Black Sabbath- Eerie and anguished. A must for Halloween. I mean, it is Ozzy afterall.

1. Thriller- Michael Jackson. Can't have a list without this and it is my absolute favorite song for halloween with a kick ass video and dance sequence. I grew up watching the video on Muchmusic every Halloween.

Do you agree with this list? Have other input? I'd love to hear it. What are your must haves for Halloween (or if you are like me, dark songs year round....)

This is the Dark side, don't join the darkside

I Have Plans!! Evil evil plans of taking over the world and maybe the universe!!! ahahahahahah (evil ones laugh backwards)

ok. No. I'd rather be a Jedi Knight (cause the force is strong within!!) Good shall prevail


"Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb". Waiiiit...that means I joined the darkside. shit.

mmmm I love Turkey

Thanksgiving. Christmas. Easter. The only times I indulge in at least one turkey. Everytime it is already cooked for me. All the sides and desserts are often made too. Every year. And I have to travel to eat.
Not this year! I decided to have my immediate family to my home for dinner and it was wonderful! My mom brought and cooked the turkey and her drool-worthy gravy. She mashed the potatoes that I provided. To add a twist, I made a sweet potato mashed with cream cheese side dish. Oh and I got a free pumpkin pie. mmmm.
Made the kids set and clean the table and dishes. Hehe. Isn't that what children 10 and over are for?

So to give thanks to the kids for cleaning and being entertaining. The parental units for bringing the turkey, and raising me with such good values (oh and of course to mom, for letting me live and grow inside her for 9 months back in 82. I am sure I had my first tastes of turkey then too. Only in the form of stolen nutrients from her blood. ha.
I say thanks this year for making tough decisions that altered and improved life for a short time in which I managed to emerge from a dark hole in my mind and realize whats right and wrong. For both my child and my relationship. So thanks Kev for giving me another chance. and to my friends for sticking around til I came back around.

So ya. I am going to have a brunch of bacon, eggs, hashbrowns and toast . Then off to another dinner this afternoon at my aunts. I am so stuffed.

The Ideal Life

the ideal life today must consist of having a good childhood, followed by good times and some experimentation in high school, graduation, then college/university, meet the love of your life, date for 2 years, have the perfect wedding (by 25), get a dog, then start having babies about 2 years in (before 30), have at least one girl and one boy, become a soccer mom of kids with honors, go back to work (at 30) when they start full time school, kids move out at 18, have their babies in their 20's, you retire in your 60's, travel and die with your husband, whom you've been with for at least 30 years.

What I thought as a teen girl: Get married by 25. Have all babies (2 or 3) by 30. have a good job doing who knows what.

Ok knocked up at 16....change of plans. Still marry by 25. Have another child before son turns 10. Still get a career and be satisfied/

Reality at 27: I must be abnormal. I started off right with the good, well great childhood. Minus the permanent friends. then for whatever reason, i got pregnant at 16. Ok. New hand. Mature fast, enjoy baby, make mistakes, escape fear, realize i need to live out my missed high school years, make more mistakes, but learn to live. Work for a few years. date. Go to college. thought I met the one. Graduate with high GPA. Start work. Work work work, hate working. Become better mom. Wonder if I can ever live with someone of the opposite sex. Make mistakes. End what was the one. go on own again. Doubt I'll ever marry tho the idea is as appealing as it is scary. still only have one child, would like to have more by 30 but hmmm not sure if that'll happen. ok life is not the ideal. I'd rather be different. But at the same time, I envy what looks like the perfect life tho I can never sustain nor be satisfied with that lifestyle. Oh, baby is now 10, and still no siblings. or any cousins. so far from the ideal. I guess this is it. My new ideal.

next up: Ok, get married (or not) by 30. Have another child by 32. Pursue career in medicine. Have husband who is willing to support dream and children. Guess I'll have 2 only children. Thats ok. Maybe another set...a girl and boy! One can dream! life can be what you want it to.

Just a quick note regarding the last one

I was tired. Burned out. exhausted. slightly depressed and lonely at the time I wrote that. I had been awake for nearly 19 hrs at that point. I hope it didn't offend anyone who were unable to offer nor had any idea of what was going on. I had too much pride to ask for help. I figured I could do it all myself and am now admitting that sometimes I can't. Thank you for understanding and for your amazing friendships on a day to day basis.